wildscape. literary journal

Let’s see how long I can get away with going unmedicated
by Val Margolius

NOTE: This poem is best viewed on desktop, as opposed to on mobile, due to formatting.

my new therapist wears sweaters with geometric patterns
	squares in grids and rectangles alternating colors without self-consciousness
		mental health magazines sit on the table in the waiting room
			like suggested reading for an optional class
				because my only framework for life is academia

“do you feel it in your body?”
	what kind of fuck ass question is that?
		does a sound make a noise?
			the only vessel for feeling is this curse called a body
				what else would I feel with? my id?

working with middle schoolers makes my hair thin
	according to everyone else, that’s just another hole in my head
		I want to shake their shoulders and yell at them
			is there no gentleness in you?
				then become a crocheted blanket

when I was eleven I wore sweaters to summer camp
	I felt guilt in my gut like a gestating child bride
		because my failures outweighed my innocence 
			and no one else my age was menstruating yet
				so I cried for my mom through cramps in the bathroom

I was eleven when I first went to therapy
	she helped me convince my mom to buy a t-shirt I wanted
		but my chest still tightened like a deflating balloon at school
			the breaths in me promised no encores
				and I threw the shirt out a year later

“you think you don’t deserve to be loved?”
	I’m picking up what the rest of the world has been putting down
		since I was eleven and liked a boy who was disgusted by me
			because feeling wanted is for gentle people
				something shaken out of me by my own fists when I was young

and have you ever been promised you will disappoint?
	do you miss the daydreams that focused on happiness rather than forgiveness?
		I feel it in my curse of a body like I’m eleven and cramping and anticlimactic
			like the dredges of softness gathering at the base of a chai latte
				when I shake my own shoulders to set my final weaknesses free

about the author // Val Margolius

Val Margolius (they/them) is a researcher and a fan of black licorice. Their work can be found in Willows Wept Review and Last Leaves Magazine.

Instagram: @valmargolius